let me preface by saying I applied to jobs for months before I got this job, it's rough out there. I found out there were positions open because a few people in the office got promoted. I want that for myself so the job sounded great, however when it comes to moving up I don't think I will be one of them. I'm a really good interviewee and do a great job with questions and body language, I play the game very well and come across as talkative and bubbly, I am not. Within 2 weeks I was pulled to the side by my boss and she asked if I was okay because I seemed outgoing during the interview and now I no longer seem that way. I'm not chatty at all, which definitely makes me stand out amongst the chatter. There have been several interviews for other positions since I've gotten hired and they have declined every one because the person seemed quiet and I have heard my bosses say they want the team to consist of people that are bubbly and outgoing. I work hard, I feel like I'm a bit of a slow learner and I have ADHD and highly suspected autism so I try as hard as I can to prove myself. I come in early when I don't have to so I can hyper focus on my workload before patients come in. My coworker was out for a few days and I came in early and stayed late to keep things copacetic.
But the social part, playing the role long enough to get an interview is one thing but now I'm trying to pretend to be something I'm absolutely not and It's so fucking draining. I tried to include myself in the breakroom lunch since my boss suggested it. There I am sitting in a small breakroom with 8 other people, listening to 4 conversations going on at the same time, it almost sent me spiraling. I have a people-facing role, I'm fine with that and I'm used to it. I just try to enjoy the time I have with myself to counter it, I want a quiet lunch. I've been told it's part of the culture to gather with the team to play party games when the flow of patients and phone calls slow. I have a heavy workload that is backlogged (that's to be expected) and I'd rather just work than stop when I have a flow going, I'd rather work than gather for that anyway. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm an ADHD inattentive creative in analytical/problem solving role and it takes so so much of me already.
I truly believe no matter how hard I work it's not going to matter, I. Don't. Fit.